my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
