then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
