my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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