is your mom at the bar?
Too much gin, very little bucket
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
