i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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