i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
