when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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