I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize