I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
