Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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