before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
