I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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