Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
