Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
