his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
