Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
