We're like a lot better than the average bears
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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