Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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