piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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