Got a toothbrush?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
