I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
