Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i came on her dog
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
