I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
