I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
