let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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