Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
