Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize