i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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