you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
