in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
