Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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