I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
