No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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