he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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