wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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