So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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