mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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