She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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