I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
