I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
pray to the hookup gods
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
