dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
