I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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