Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
