Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
