wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
