How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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