I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize