Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
