I think my vagina is haunted
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
