They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
