I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
