And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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