Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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