If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
