I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
