Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
