The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
