WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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