I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
