the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
