When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
