I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
