please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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